Is “Yes” one of your favorite words?

I’m coaching a client whose life is out of control busy. Her calendar is overflowing with to-do’s, appointments, meetings, and other life commitments.

When we discussed scheduling our intake call, she didn’t know how she would fit it into her calendar. I gave her quite a few options of times that I was available, but she couldn’t commit to one. Instead, she said she needed to get back to me at the end of the week to see how her schedule played out.

I didn’t read this as a good sign that our coaching relationship would even get off the ground. So I was quite surprised when she got back to me later in the week to schedule our intake call.

During our intake call I asked her what she wanted to get from our coaching relationship. She said she’s overwhelmed and has taken on too many things. She wanted to move forward in her life focusing on the things that are important to her and let go of the rest.

Perfect. 

Based on her desired outcome, I chose the coaching tool I wanted to use to support her process. I explained it to her and then gave her a homework assignment to complete before our next session and asked her to email it to me 24 hours before our session.

I didn’t receive her homework.

The day of our appointment she texted me a few minutes before our call and said she was running 10 minutes late. When she called she told me that her schedule had gotten away from her again so she didn’t complete her homework.

I asked her what happened that caused her schedule got away from her. She then listed a multitude of things that demanded her time. By the time she finished, I felt like I had just sprinted a mile from listening to her. 

It was only 7:10 AM and she was already in a frenetic pace. So I asked her to take a breath and get present in the moment. Actually, I felt like we both needed a deep, cleansing breath to bring us back to the present moment.

Next, I asked her to restate to me her what she wanted to achieve from our time together. Again, she said she was feeling overwhelmed and wanted to let go of the “noise” in her life.

OK, so she was still clear on her goal.

I asked her when she would commit to getting her assignment to me. To which she replied, “before I go to bed on Sunday”.

Are you surprised to know that I didn’t receive it on Sunday…or even by our next session?

As a coach my role is to to serve my clients’ higher purpose. I hold a vision of what’s possible based on their stated agenda through their actions. As coach, I dance in the moment with my clients to help them move forward and deepen their learning. 

One of the ways I do this is to hold them accountable for the action they committed to taking. Accountability is a way to measure action, or inaction, to help clients create the results they want.

Are their actions or inactions moving them toward or away from their most joyful life?

In our next session I asked her what her resistance was to doing her assignment. Her response was that she didn’t have resistance. She said she has so many things that are “musts” in her life so she drops the things that aren’t mandatory. (Things like doing her homework.) 

So, I suggested we make a list of the things that she says “yes” to and the things she says “no” in her life right now.

Her #1 life value is to make a difference in the world. Many of the “yeses” are passion projects that allow her to feel fulfilled by making a difference. On the flip side, many of her “no’s” were no’s by default, like taking time for self-care and giving herself downtime. All things that would help her refill her own cup so she would have more of herself to give to making a difference.

It’s a Catch-22. She’s a passionate woman about the things that she values. But, her life isn’t balanced. She keeps saying “yes” to more and more things, without saying “no” to make room for the “yeses”.

It’s no wonder she feels overwhelmed and depleted.

Can you relate?

I can.

More times than I can count I’ve found myself feeling overwhelmed and depleted of energy. Being in that desperate state caused me to look at what I’d been saying “yes” and “no” to. Guess what I discovered?

I’d been saying “yes” to many things, but saying “no” to myself. Like my client, in almost every instance, my self-care got the boot. (Read more here.)

I bought into the belief that I could create more time to do the things I said “yes” to, by saying “no” to my self-care rituals.

Life is exciting and full of so many choices. There’s so much information and so many options coming “at” us that it’s easy to fall into overwhelm.

So, if you’ve put yourself in the “no” column, how do you add yourself back into the equation? Better yet, how do you put yourself  on TOP of the “yes” list?

I know many of us were taught as children that putting ourselves first was “selfish”. We received this message from our parents and other adults who wanted to teach us right from wrong. I’m sure their intentions were good. But buying into that belief and carrying it into our adult life is why we abandon ourselves time and time again.

There’s a big difference between being self absorbed and taking responsibility for putting your needs first.

My hope is that you take full responsibility for taking care of yourself and don’t expect others to do that. (That’s another blog post for another day. Note to self.)

Here are 6 steps that you can take to put yourself at the TOP of your “yes” list:

1. Take an inventory by making a list of all the things you are currently saying “yes” and “no” to in your life. Make a “yes” and a “no” column and take a complete inventory. It might help you to get out your planner to make sure you don’t skip any “yeses”.
2. After making your two lists, notice if it looks somewhat balanced in the “yes” and “no” columns. My hunch is the answer to that is a big NO, otherwise you wouldn’t be on the “no” list.

   

3. Starting with the “yes” list, determine if everything listed is a big, resounding “yes!”. I realize that some of the “yeses”, like your job or caring for your aging parent don’t make you jump for joy. Some of your “yeses” are there because of your core values and responsibilities. (Another blog post for another day. Another note to self.)
   

   Looking at your “yes” list are there things that are resounding “no’s”? When you look at those things you may feel a tightening somewhere in your body or notice you’re holding your breath. If so, circle those things. Those are the things that need to fall off your “yes” list and added to your “no” list.

4. Once you’re clear on those things, it’s time for the tough stuff. Take a deep breath, and ask yourself, one by one, why is it on your “yes” list? Perhaps at one time in your life it was a “yes”.

   

   Your life is fluid so it’s always shifting and changing. What you valued when you were 35 or 40, may not be something you value at 50, 55, or 60. If that’s the case, give yourself permission to let it go.

   Keep moving down the list. You may discover that you said “yes” to something(s) because you wanted approval or to be “liked”. If that’s the case, it’s time to put on your big girl panties and get that crap off your list. (Read more here.)

   Sister, this is your life. Tick tock. Don’t you think it’s time to fulfill your purpose?

5. This step is the best. It’s time to cross yourself off your “no” list and write it onto the very top of your “yes” list!

   

   Get out your planner and schedule yourself in.

   What does that look like for you? Yoga? Meditation? Going to the gym? Getting a massage and/or pedicure? Preparing your meals from scratch and ditching eating on the fly?Whatever it is, write it down and block out the time to do it.

6. Next, look at your “no” list and see if there’s anything else on it that you would love to put on the “yes” list. That doesn’t mean that you immediately get to say “yes” to it. No ma’am.
   

   Only add it to your “yes” list if you’ve said “no” to enough things that you can keep yourself on at the top of your “yes” list.

   If you’re a passionate person like my client and me, sometimes our desires need to wait a bit longer before we say “yes”.

Life is a balancing act that requires consistent review, planning, and mindfulness.

Remember, to make yourself a priority so that you are always at the top of your “yes” list.

Your life is your creation. Enjoy the creative process and the beautiful journey!

All my love,